


Where the river runs black

by ams_park3r



Category: Game Theory - Fandom, Youtube RPF, natewantstobattle, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Animal Death, Bowser (dog), Break Up, F/M, M/M, Mario (cat), Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Moving Out, Pets, Post-Break Up, Unrequited Love, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2018-11-15 02:50:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11221734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ams_park3r/pseuds/ams_park3r
Summary: He felt the old ennui overtaking him, the hopelessness which so often assailed him, which came upon him like an obsession, like something extraneous, independent of volition. It was something which announced itself; a chill breath that seemed to issue from some vast cavern wherein discords waited. There came over his the acute longing which always summoned into his spiritual vision, the presence of a loved one, overpowering him at once with a sense of the unattainable.(or where morgan leaves and nate doesn't know what to do with himself)





	1. Midnight Memories

A few months before Morgan leaves Nate starts to dream. Of blood brothers standing on an empire and falling to dust and ashes, secret smiles in hidden alleyways and a sword through the chest, of running and running and running through a never-ending hallway and there’s a light at the end of it but there’s hot breath on his neck and he can't breathe and suddenly the urge to drown is too strong and-

 

Nate forgets it all when he wakes up.


	2. Blue Romance

When Morgan leaves, Nate doesn’t know how to feel. Of course on the media he’s calm and collected and supportive of her choices but he types it all with dark rings under his eyes.

Morgan took Bowser, too. It’s far too quiet and every step is an earthquake resounding in the deafening silence. He considers buying another pet, but the thought disappears before it is fully formed. 

On the night Morgan leaves Nate dreams of puppy eyes and tousled brown hair and the cutest smile he’s ever seen.

He wakes up with a name on his lips and the strangest sense of deja vu.

Suddenly he realises why Morgan left.


	3. Too sad to be lonely

Nate moves. His apartment is too big for one person and the empty hallways just seem to swallow up the sound. The silence sinks into his bones. His new apartment is much, much smaller. He can hardly squish inside it along with his recording and exercise equipment.

Nate likes it much better already.


	4. Illuminating Shadows

Mat came over on the second day to help Nate move. Stephanie was out, apparently, for a few days and he had no big projects to be working on. Nate appreciated the help. They both managed to squish the meager amount of Nate’s belongings along with the bulky equipment in under a few hours. They ordered take-away Thai and watched movies on Netflix with Nate’s brand new wifi connection. 

In the back of his mind lingering thoughts of Mat and him pressed close together watching movies almost like a couple-

He pushed those thoughts far away.

Mat left after another two hours, wanting to get home before dark. Nate thanked him for all the help as he drove away.

Nate cried himself to sleep that night.


	5. Mario

He didn’t know what to call his kitten.

After a few weeks the lingering thoughts of a pet resurfaced, and Nate almost immediately went to the pet store. There was a fresh litter of kittens in the store, only a few days away from being able to be sold. They were all running around excitedly around the cage. Nate laughed as the runt jumped up against the glass, flattening its pink nose. In five days it was his.

He spent a day watching the kitten run around his home, sniffing everything excitedly. It was then he realised he hadn’t thought of a name to give it. 

The next day he attended an invite from a Youtuber to play Mario kart on their gaming channel. Nate posted a picture of the kitten in his new apartment. When he fed it that night he accidentally called it Mario. 

He liked that name.


	6. Family

Skip and Mario were curled up together on the couch, Skip reminding Nate of a protective parent. He had been invited back to do another livestream with Matthew, this time playing the brand new FNAF game. Stephanie, Jason and Mat fawned over Mario and his immediate friendship with Skip. Nate smiled the whole time.


	7. Two Steps from Hell

5 MONTHS LATER

Nate had another busy day signing the covers of his new album, so busy that he didn’t come home until eleven at night.

Mario was throwing up. Nate walked in to hear the grating sound of retching and nearly slipped in the copious amounts of vomit and who knows what. He dropped his bags immediately, rushing to the tiny kitten lying helplessly on its side, vomit constantly being retched up. Nate’s heartbeat pounded in his ears as he desperately strang together thoughts of what he remembered of medical information. He gently picked up Mario, holding him upright. Immediately a waterfall of bile was spewed onto Nate’s arms. He continued to support the kitten as it emptied out the meager contents of its stomach.

The nearest vet was half an hour away and Nate didn’t know if he had enough time.


	8. pray for this heart to be unbroken

Mario didn’t make it.

 

His car seat was ruined and so were his clothing. He was constantly gaining stares from the other people in the waiting area as the vets checked Mario. One of them, Linda, her name tag said, slowly came out after ten minutes staring pitifully at Nate. He stood up, hair mussed up, heartbeat frantic and fast, desperation written on his face.

 

Linda shook her head. 

 

Nate felt the desperation and hope leave him in a single moment and replace it with a blank emptiness. He was led into one of the rooms, where another vet was cleaning the vomit off of Mario’s lifeless form, legs helplessly dangling down. He submerged into the emptiness inside him while the pet explained that it was Hyperthyroidism, a tumor of sorts. She explained how it was not to be known, it wasn’t his fault that the food had perhaps too much or too little iodine in it. 

 

Nate went home to clean up his empty apartment.


	9. maybe i will be the one to fall

Nate sat in his closet where Mario loved to hide and took out his phone. He didn’t know what he was doing or why he called Mat’s voicemail again and again and again until his warm bright voice melted into one unintelligible mess in his head. Tears stained the leather jackets pressing against his sobbing form.

 

Nate didn’t stop calling Mat until he had no more tears left to cry and his eyes were bloodshot.


	10. autumn equinox

Nate didn’t dream that night.

 

He woke up from an empty nightmare to an empty house and tried to not walk down it’s silenced halls. There was no more food left in the fridge and the water bills had come.

 

Everything hurt.


	11. isolated system

The next day Matthew called back from the embarrassingly long list of calls from Nate. Nate told Mat what happened and tried not to cry. 

 

Matthew didn’t understand.


	12. remembered lullaby

Nate thought about killing himself that night. He had ran himself a bath in his tiny bathroom and climbed inside. Every so often he glanced at his razor lying on the sink and then at his wrists.

 

It would be so easy.


	13. drown

Nate made another gaming video. He dug a hole deep in his heart to push his tears aside and told the camera that Mario had died. He tried to smile as much as possible the rest of the video. 

 

That night he looked at his razor once more and dreamed about hands slitting his neck.

 

He didn’t want to wake up. 


	14. ratatouille

Matthew came over again. He had just got back from Europe to talk at some conference there and had got back early. Nate didn’t know why Mat had decided to visit him. 

 

Mat brought vegetables from the shops and started cooking in the kitchen. Nate helped him, and suddenly he was brought back to a time when he was back in his bigger apartment and the world was alive and sunny and life was all smiles. 

 

They discussed random nothings and philosophical questions over a simple ratatouille on the cheap table Nate had put together with Mat the first time he moved in.

 

It was the best dinner Nate had ever had.


	15. tears can't wash away this broken heart

Nate found some spare cat food in the cupboard putting dishes away.

 

He cried again and threw it out.


	16. forgotten affection

Nate sometimes wonders what happened to him.

 

He still hears phantom sounds of Morgan playing video games in front of the television, waiting for him to come and join her. He’ll wake up waiting to feel the heaviness that Bowser leaves on his legs because their dog hates being lonely and wants the feeling of his arms wrapped around Morgan. The sound of Mario scampering down the hall, dragging his toys behind him to give to Nate. 

 

He of course still collaborated with other channels, and continued to produce music and covers and videos like before. It was just that life had roughly placed down a wet paper towel on him and everything was dampened. 

 

When Nate dreams it’s a hazy confusing mess and he wakes up more tired than when he slept. Eventually he’ll have startling moments of clarity when he realises who he’s been dreaming about.

 

He has nothing more left to give.


	17. i don't want those memories to come back

One day Nate fleetingly considers buying another pet.

 

The thought is stamped down.

 

For the first time in a few years, Nate falls asleep surrounded by bottles from the back shelf.


	18. like you're running out of time

Every minute feels like years, and every week feels like days.

 

His life is slipping out his grasp and there is nothing to do about it.

 

Nate starts work on another album and tries to think of more lyric ideas.

 

He ponders if it’s him or time that's running out.


	19. heaven doesn't compare

Matpat sleeps over for a week. Stephanie is gone again and their entire house is being renovated. Nate gladly offers, on some whim he can’t comprehend and Matthew is more than grateful. An hour before he comes over Nate stashes all his bottles in his cupboard and makes sure the shirt he wears covers his wrists. Mat comes and it was like all the lights in the house had suddenly been turned on. They sat and talked and laughed, catching up on all the exciting things Matpat had done since they last interacted. Nate had nothing to say about his life. 

 

Nate offered to be on the couch for the week, to the grumbling reluctance of Mat. Every night Nate went into his bedroom where Mat was sleeping and watched him toss in his sleep, occasionally mumbling under his breath incomprehensible words.

 

The thought of looking at Mat sleeping on his bed on his sheets made Nate’s heart jump frantically and the desperate need to posses over something resurfaces from where he has it hidden too deep to see. The perfect way Matthew breathes, the little noises he makes, the absolute peace on his face is enough to make Nate feel something unspeakable inside. 

 

He goes back to the couch when the sun rises every day and acts as if nothing happened.


End file.
